After another glorious victory online I call myself theAtheistSlayer now. “Fighting patronizing smugness wherever it is found“. But you can still call me AndyAce83 if you like.
I now give you the epic struggle that made AndyAce83 into the atheist slayer of the know-it-alls. It went as follows.
Chapter one: The Battle Cry of the Blasphemer of Hitchens
TheAtheistSlayer went online to fight the cult of Hitchens and went straight to youtube where rumor had it that the some of the biggest smartypants lair was to be found. He found a big nest under the video Christopher Hitchens on the Tea Party and started the exorcism of the legion by exclaiming:
“Fun Fact: Christopher Hitchens is a socialist who believes 1984 is about religion. Also he is dead. So I don´t think his opinion matters in any way you look at it.“.
The blood was in the water and the trap was sett. He quietly awaited the demons of new atheism. Tension was in the air. Then one, then two, then four atheist flew to their keyboards. Someone had stirred with their superiority. The battle became a fact as there was atheist everywhere. SCREAMING IN FURY! Who dares belittle the prophet of Hitchens? The sight was unbelievably ugly like a feces fight between monkies.
A demon who called himself punkuddha was the first to attack while theAtheistSlayer was unprepared. The Slayer lost initiative and with venom the daemon said
“not fun and not a fact“.
A clever phrasing of denial that had a slogan like feel that with a swift strike demanded evidence. But the atheistslayer could not find a video of proof where Hitchens had said that 1984 was more about religion and so he got struck. It would seem that AndyAce83 had lost even before the battle had started.
But then a mighty Atheist entered the field. He was called JasonCIAHudson and he knew of the dark art of Marxism. With a poisons tongue he exclaimed “Here’s a fun quote from him: “I am no longer a socialist, but I still am a Marxist.” By your logic we shouldn’t listen to the opinions of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington…because they’re dead. I don’t believe he said 1984 is specifically about religion but about totalitarianism in general.”
The battle was on as AndyAce83 had gotten a new chance.
“You really want to discuss this?“, said AndyAce83 as he raised himself up, “I was just making fun of a horrible atheist. And being a Marxist is basically the same as a socialist. Marxist is just what they called it before it became Socialism, Bolshevism, Leninism, Stalinist and Communism. They all want to replace God with State and to replace the individual with the hive. Just because he want to call himself something else does not make it different.“.
A cunning argument from AndyAce83, who knew from experience that atheist had won many a debate by using the spell of changing definitions (3th level freethinker). A spell that novice theist often had fell for. A spell so powerful that any attack on the atheist would fall flat because the “freethinker” clocked himself with a new shape.
The atheist could say “we are not like that, we are like this” and claim “ignorance” on the opponent. Very much like the vampire can assume gaseous form and suck their victims energy from behind. This is one of the atheists most common attacks. But as theAtheistSlayer closed the gate too the plane of free definition one of the atheist minions struck at AndyAce83´s legg while he muffled “Lol. Wow, are you ever stupid. Either you’re totally misinformed, or just an idiot.” The minion, called MrAlsfan5, laughed frantically as Andy stood stunned.
Chapter 2: At the Gates of Free Definition
“How could this be?“, the slayer thought. He had closed the gate to the portal of free definition but this little cackling “freethinking” still had the nerve to chant the wicked song of “You are so stupid, and we are not“. The evil song written by the harpies of Patronage to aid the legion of “freethinkers” across the globe.
“I can not win this“, AndyAce thought, “They are too many and too filled with themselves. I can not show their errors, cuz no matter how many gates and portals to the plane of free definitions I close the hoard of the viscous ones will open three more. And they are everywhere. Respawing like the hydra but with a more dangerous fire-breath than the many headed dragon of Babylon. WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
And as he stood there in frustration three comments was posted for every comment he made. The battle was huge as TheWanderingPrimate and dilt4 also had felt the blow on the Cult of Hitchen and had run to aid of their fellow hatchlings. Not only that, but forces where unleashed on another thread called “Are religious Americans really this stupid?” where he had to fight even more from the demon guild of “free-thought”. The gates was fully opened as minions, socialist, nihilist and all kinds of atheist scum and villainy tried to stab at our hero, and the comments flew in everywhere. There was Latin phrases of logic spewed from all over the place. A demon called “Ad hominem” when the Slayer tried to make the argument that atheist had either christian or ugly values. “Proof, Proof, Proof” the demons demanded. And AndyAce summoned Dendrophilian. A demon from the plane of Nihil.
But the spell of the no true Scotsman exclaimed that Dendrophilian was not a true atheist or at least did not represent atheist moral. So AndyAce83 summoned the beast of RAPE.
But not even the Beast of Rape made the atheist acknowledge they had no true moral. Then Andy summoned two more beast, one more ugly than the next. There where atheist who made arguments for both cannibalism and killing infants.
“Using four random videos does not negate factual, scientific research.“, the demon JasonCIAHudson said. “For one thing Richard Dawkins discussion of cannibalism was more of posing a question to his interviewer, not an endorsement.”
And so the battle raged on. Nothing would stick cuz the radiating power from the plane of free definition made them all impossible to strike. Our hero had to defend pedophilia in the churches and crusades and all kinds of wars, but when he used the argument of communism they would open the gate of free definition and say that “NO! Communism was not atheist even if they didn´t want religion in thei state cus atheist are just the disbelief that there is a god.”
It would almost seem as the legion had won because of their powers of meme and accesess to the gate of free definition. AndyAce83 seemed doomed as the atheist laughed right into his very soul.
Chapter 3: The shutting of the gate of free definition and also the “freethinkers” big mouths
“I have to close the gate of free definition. I have to call it OUT!“, AndyAce83 thought and so he prepared a epic spell of a life time. He called it and he called it out loud. To the demon dilt4 he shouted:
“rhetorical nonsense to make a very real cultural movement untouchable. How can go against something that changes shape and definitions like a borg-shield. I have no trouble with people “who just don´t believe in a god” (what you define as atheist, but there are VERY FEW off) I am talking and always have about the religious-cultural atheist. The one who listens to the prophets of Dawkins and Hitchens. Who want to redefine atheism however they feel like. ”
A blast of pure electricity flew out and struck the beasts with a thunderous roar. The Slayer continued.
“i.e atheism follows your definition; “don’t believe in a god.” when there is critical arguments to be had (like communism killed more than any theist religion or atheist are more pron to suicide or atheist are untrustworthy people who either has adapted christian ethics or are without one). But when their is praise to be had: i.e atheist are smarter, atheist nations are less violent then ATHEISM IS A CLEAR COLLECTIVE GROUP. There is more to atheist than not believing in a god.”
The legion fell to the ground in fear and ecstasy. But the demon are not slayed that easy as the power of smug and bad self-insight gives them almost immortal stamina. A demon called for retreat as he said
“Since you fail to the role that church and state play than I take it you agree and see how idiotic your views are. Please don’t respond unless you have new evidence.”
Oh, no. They are running away! The demons want to flee. NO! The battle must end. This was the battle to the death.
“I don´t get this last what. Since you fail to the role of wha..? Are you talking about secularism or what? Bah, what do I care. I took you to school… Showed you how perverted a well reflected atheist can be. At least we Christians try to be good. We don´t applaud pedofile even when it happens in our midst. We do not accept rape. We are the true idealist. Atheist is… Something ugly in disguise (can´t show it yet. To weak). When you rule, humanity dies!”
The demon coughed out something about “Hitler was a christian”. It was a swing and a miss. With a dobble attack he added:
“His study also showed that in the US, in states with the highest percentages of atheists, the murder rate is lower than average. In the most religious US states, the murder rate is higher than average. Now of course I can tell from your other responses you do not believe in facts and logic so let’s just disregard this”
But now as the plane of free definition was closed AndyAce83 had the upper hand. They could no longer melt everything solid into air. So Andy in a calm voice said:
“Fun Fact: atheist commit suicide at a faster rate than any theist. I think it has to do with the level of reflection vs hardship. Most people who suffer are religious (being in jail, poor etc) those who are rich and well educated moves away from those “fairytale” cuz they be better than that. Then suffering struck. Nothing to live 4. Goodbye.”
A THUNDEROUS ROAR FROM THE DEPTH OF NIHIL, THE DEPTH OF THE GUILD OF FREETHOUGHT AND ALL OF ATHEISM STIRRED! One of the atheist screamed:
“I also can’t understand how atheism would lead to more suicides. In my case and in many others I know atheism has caused me to have a greater value for life than I had when I was a Christian. If someone kills themself knowing that they have one chance at things they were probably prone to suicide in the first place. It’s ridiculous to claim that we require Christian ethics to know that we should not kill. If that was the case we would be all dead by now.”
Would this battle never end? Would these creatures most foul never quit? Is there no spell of argument that could make them SHUT THE FUCK UP? “Go for the balls“, the slayer thought, “That is where their heart is.” And so he whipped out the tome of The American Journal of Psychiatry and the mighty study of Religious Affiliation and Suicide Attempt that states “Religiously unaffiliated subjects had significantly more lifetime suicide attempts and more first-degree relatives who committed suicide than subjects who endorsed a religious affiliation.“.
“Well it doesn´t matter that u “understand” its still statistical “fact“.” and then AndyAce83 delivered the striking evidence from the tomb that would end the fight once and for all as he continued, “I can´t understand what the difficulty in understanding that meaning 2 an atheist is pleasure & when pleasure disappears (i.e terminal diseases, loss of someone they F´d alot, financial loss that will lead to not affording iPhone 4S) then life is something to waste. Not everybody fines the beauty in looking up at the stars & thinking “I am a part of that void. I am stardust“”.
The atheist roared and hizzed and tried to sting the theist with his mighty demon tail and used the spell of fog talk to try to duck the argument. “It’s not a bloody fact and for your information I find so much more beauty in the universe than I do in some sadistic dictator god. It was my science books and my mind that kept me going while I was beat every day and night by my religious family as a child. By your logic if the only reason for living is God why do you do anything but devote your life to the church? Isn’t that all as meaningless? Is the fact that your bible says that you can’t kill yourself the only reason you live?”
But the demon was mortally wonded and no amount of fog could cover that up and only the mercy full final blow of the atheistslayer ended the sadness that was a smug patronizing nerd.
“No, it´s not a fact, just as evolution is not a fact. But it is good science.
Thank you for playing atheist. You lost. They don´t call me the atheist slayer for nothing. (“They don´t call you the atheist slayer”. OH, SHUT UP!) Them “freethinkers” tremble when I enter a thread. You see I have a secret weapon that few other theist have. I get down and dirty just as the atheist do. Stories will be told of my heroism; like “the song of Dilt4; the nerd who believed he could!“”
A final sigh of “I still know better than you“, could be heard but no one cared. The demons was dead, though their animated bodies jerked. AndyAce83 went away victorious from the battlefield. He went east to the land of wordpress and so his story was written down by the scribes there and the word went around the interweb of how a strong and fearless man and entered the land of the know-it-all and survived their bitter attacks. He was named the atheist slayer, because slaying of atheist he did. While other theist practiced “turn the other cheek” and was raped because of it, the atheist slayer turned another kind of cheek and then he farted in the “freethinkers” face.
Epilogue: The battle was won, but not the war
The culture war was won… for now, but there will always be “freethinkers” that needs to be taken to school. There will always be gates of free definition that needs to be shut. The era of postmodernism is not over yet and there will be many years to come with atheist who believe they are free to criticize religion while their faith in whatever they feel like should for all eternity be sacred. That all arguments should come from their definitions and evidence should always be weighed by them. But a battle was won, and we learned alot. They may shapeshift and use venom to attack anyone who isn´t godless and there may be a long time before the sacredness of being is truly established, but if we try to be hopeful perhaps it soon will.