What’s up with the movies from this decade? (Bang, bang! You shot me down (for 3 hours))

4 Oct

I don’t know, but it seems that since Lord of the Rings (some say Titanic) movies have gotten steadily longer. And why is that? It’s not that the movies have such great stories to tell that they need an hour more to tell it. Not only that but the directors have gotten lazy. The editing is a complete chaos and the dynamics of the average Hollywood blockbuster have become very strange.

Perhaps I just have become old (as I write this I am 26, the new 173) , and don’t understand the new and “EXTREME” youth culture. That might be true, I didn’t even understand my own “extreme” youth culture. I remember Jackass. My god! The only thing funny about that show (and later films) was that many sub-par kids got killed from imitating (now, that’s funny!). Those jackasses have more blood on their hands than any HIM song could scream, dream and dramatize about. (Even their album “Deep Shadows”. I have never heard it, but it probably sounds just the same as any other emo crap they spyued out. The only thing those guy could brag about is that “they were emoes before it became popular, and stayed it long after the last kid committed suicide”). But I digress.

The point is, although blockbuster movies from Hollywood has always been seen as a low form of art (if it even could be called art) it was at least an entertaining experience. Now, it’s all nonsense. Here are my three reasons for hating the “new generation” movies.

Time vs Fun

This graph illustrates the fun (entertainment value) of a film according the movies length. The Data is taken with permission from my ass.

1) The editing.
The editing is EXTREME! If we can band smokers from bars because of lunge disease we SHOULD BAND the new generation movies in consideration to people with epilepsy. Oh, and people with migraine. There has to be a cut every three seconds at least. (Close-up: man, cut to: close-up woman, cut to: wide-shot). That’s not all. Yes, every three seconds there is a cut, but in those three seconds the camera is still moving. Never static constantly jumping around. I think it was Gene Kelly who said something like “when I am not dancing, the camera should” and that’s all good. But what we are served are not dancing but seizures (“hand-held and shakey too enhance realness”, my fanny. It’s just lazy!).

2) Stories
The stories are horrible, we all know that, but the editing makes them even worse. Hand-held cameras to enhance the “realness” of teenagers fighting for their right to be teenagers. AND THEY LAST FOR THREE HOURS! And then there are all those f*cking remakes!!! Has Hollywood completely dried out? Or is it just the marijuana smoking liberal douche artist that just think “Wow, I had this great idea. What if we… if we like make this [enter successful movie title here] but we just make it darker. So it can relate to our time.” Hey! The world hasn’t gotten darker, it’s just your eyesight who has gotten bad because you are wanking too much! (FACE!)

3) The length
I think it was Aki Olavi Kaurismäki who said that no film should last more than 1 1/2 hours. I remember seeing the first Pirates of the Caribbean and I thought “Wow, lovely pictures, funny ships, funny story, funny… hey, didn’t they visit that cave 10 minutes ago. IS IT JUST ME OR IS THIS MOVIE LOOONG!” And then we are back at the editing again and story. If the story was good and the editing with a point then the last half hour wouldn’t seem like 2 hours, but no.

Take that Hollywoood! Now you can cry on your piles and piles of money! After, of course, you have cried yourself dry from all the European pirate downloading. NEXT: Why pirate downloading of Hollywood movies can save the European cinema (from a Film historical perspective. I will perhaps even quote Bordwell and Thompson. No, just Bordwell.)

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